Today’s doofus is from Newcastle, Australia.
A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.
Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.
Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.
Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.
Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.
Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.
The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.
Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.
They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling”.
A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.
Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.
Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.
He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself “decent”.
He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action taken.
Ye Gods and little fishes . . .
First, why try to make yourself ‘decent’ after so indecent an offense? Isn’t it a bit late?
Second, why put your noodle in a pasta sauce jar in the first place? I can’t for a moment imagine that tomato sauce, garlic and Parmesan cheese are vital ingredients in anyone’s sex life . . . or am I just being naive?
As for ‘pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling’ – I’m not going there. No way. No how.